I do no know how to get the space deleted between here and down there.....

You Are Rudolph Sweet and shy, you tend to be happiest when you're making someone else happy. Why You're Naughty: You sometimes stick that nose where it doesn't belong Why You're Nice: Christmas would be a sad affair without you! Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

You Are Comet A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge! Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed This is Santos!!! Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

BOUNCInnnnnnnnnnnn

I am bouncing off of the walls here at work. Oh my golly miss molly, hold me down. I went to the Dr. this morning because I have been falling asleep at my desk, I will go to my van during lunch and take a nap. My friends here at work asked where I have been at lunch cuss they have missed my little behinde. NNNNNeeeeway....I had to share w/my doc that I am a big time SNORER...that I snore really loud that it wakes even me up. My poor DH. He is tooo sweet to wake me he just puts up w/it. Soo, I snore, I never feel like I have had a good nights rest, to make a long poor me short, he wants me to have the sleep apnea test done. The one where you have to stay overnight for two nights so they can "study" your sleep.

Buuuuuuuuuuut, until then, he has me taking Provigil to help me stay awake during the day, and man am I rockin. This is guuuuudd stuff. Life is going great. I feeeeel good nananana.

I am in a good mood also because we went out to lunch, and when we go out to lunch w/Kathy you cannot have a quiet lunch. You are LYBO from the moment you leave until the moment you get back. We have to stop laughing when we get back bcuz this place is stupid that way. neway, it is Kathy's b-day and I went out and bought her (she has been wanting a Chawawa I know it is spelled wrong, sooo, she wants one really bad) I got her a chawawa calendar and a chawawa mug, she cried she was so happy. I love making people happy....just love it. How fun it must be for Oprah, to just GIVE. FUN FUN.

Ummmm, what else, Oh, we are supposed to have ice and snow tonight. My daughter who is 12 going on 16 and I are still butting heads. She wants things her way or else and it is getting on my very last nerve. Finally her daddy had to bust her little behiney the other night. It had been along time coming. He hates having to punish them that way. Didn't work. This morning she was begging to stay home from school cuz she already knows everything they are teaching. She is bored. She said she wanted to stay home and clean the house spotless for me, it was tempting, but if it ices I will let her use that one tomorrow. So any advice on how to stop my 12 year old from running over me, please share. :>

FRIENDS ARE A PRESENT.............

YOU GIVE YOURSELF!

I look to befriend ones who I feel will have a good influence in my life. Who I can imitate and learn good qualities from. It is such a gift when you find these pearls in the sand. I have been digging, stopping to make a castle here and there, but I think I might have struck it rich. I have run into some pearls who are shimmering with light that I hope will able me to shine as well. I think you know who you are. Beth Moore was my link to you in some way or other. I just want you (A, J, S, G, and C) to know I look forward to getting to know you better.

:)

You Are The Stuffing

You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together.People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

Blog Personality

Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog.You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head.Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent.You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

Thanksgiving Holiday

This Thanksgiving was awesome. It was so good to see all of our family. My mother-in-law is the best cook when it comes to, well, anything! Her dressing is the only dressing I will eat. It is sooo yummy, she does not put a lot of sage in hers like my mom does thank goodness. We spent several days with Santos family and then saw some friends and finally Saturday I got to see my sister and her family. OHHH what a treat. You just do not have a dull time around my sis. She welcomed us with a scrumptious breakfast casserole and yummy fruit salad. After eating we headed to down town Fort Worth to see Santa Claus. When Stacy and I sat in Santa's lap I asked him what "he" wanted for Christmas, he said, "hmm, I don't know, I have never been asked that". It was fun. From there we went to the Water Gardens so Stacy could take some pictures of all of us. She is such a great photographer. We went through some neat shops downtown and I bought my niece some jewelry for her b-day that was six months ago. Anyway the rest of the night was eating out, hanging out, and farting and burping till midnight. Must have been the hot sauce. It was such a blessing to be in their home and to see them. We woke at 6:00a.m. and headed home Sunday. I told my DH that is was kinda weird, but it felt good to be going home. Home....TN. The drive home is beautiful, our town is beautiful, our home is beautiful and we plan to make our future here just as nice. I have not picked up the pictures from our trip, but I will share them next time. :)

Breaking Free

Someone is praying for me....and I want to say Thank you!

HHMMmmm

I always have a lot on my mind. I just am not too good at getting it out. I am at a happy place in my life. My family and I are doing so good. But are we? I mean, we do not go to church, I feel so guilty for this. We just have not found a church we really felt comfortable with. Or have we, and we are just to damn lazy to get up in the morning? I still am not used to living in TN. It is beautiful. And we have done a lot of remodeling in our home to make it feel more like our home. But still something is missing. Is it God? Is it no having our family's near us anymore? I feel so lost sometimes, but I try to suck it up for my DH sake. He has to do what is best for his career. And I need to support him. I need to have God back in my daily life. I need to get this fog lifted from around me.

I love my sister. She is to me, one of the most remarkable, talented, real, honest, loving & FUNNY person I know. I feel so, this is where I get a loss for words....ummm, I feel like I am nothing compared to her. I want to be like her. I want to know what my talent is, if any, I want to have great friendships like she has, I want to beable to communicate the way she can, I want to be as happy as she is. Is this wrong. We are not supposed to compare our lives to others. Right? I want to be in a bible study with other women studying Beth Moore. I miss what was right before me four years ago when we were at West Berry. It was all right there in front of me, and I just did not see it. You do not know what you have got until it is gone.

I need to get my priorities back in order. God first, family second and I forgot what is third. I ask that whoever reads this if there is anyone else besides my seester and the "old friend" of mine to please pray for me, that I do get my life in better order. That I stop being so lazy, and pick my Bible up instead of the remote.

p.s. "old friend" please do not leave a comment unless you can tell me who you are. You are freaking me out.

Another Quote

"Most people are so busy knocking themselves out trying to do everything they think they should do, they never get around to do what they want to do."
– Kathleen Winsor

Quote

"Believe that you can do it, under any circumstances. Because if you believe you can, then you really will. That belief just keeps you searching for the answers, then pretty soon you get it."

-Wally "Famous" Amos

About Me

I AM: a loving mother
I WANT: the best for my girls
I HAVE: a wonderful husband
I WISH: we could me missionaries
I HATE: being so far away from dear friends and family
I MISS: my grandpa Lewis
I HEAR: that we may get rain this weekend
I SEARCH: for at least one of my shoes each day because our Boxer loves to grab a shoe and take it outside w/him:)
I WONDER: wonder...who wrote the book of love.........;) how certain people are doing
I REGRET: having my tubes tied
I LOVE: sleeping in, spooning w/DH on cold Saturday mornings
I ACHE: for Fast Taco (a place we loved to eat in Texas)
I ALWAYS: have coffee in the mornings
I AM NOT: in the mood to be at work right now
I DANCE: all the time
I SING: with my husband around the house
I CRY: NOT!!!!
I AM NOT ALWAYS: at church on Sundays
I WRITE: nothing compared to some
I WIN: when I get off my butt
I LOSE: when I don't get off my butt
I CONFUSE: others by pretending to love living here....I am trying....to love it here
I NEED: a vacation
I HOPE: to see you again someday
I WEAR: Tommy Girl

COUNTDOWN (thanks Stace)

12 MOVIES:

Good Will Hunting, Sweet November, Pretty Woman, Jerry Maguire, Grease, My Life, Legends of the Fall, Fried Green Tomatoes, Rain Man, Remember the Titans, You've Got Mail, Forest Gump.

11 FOODS:

Three meat ravioli from Olive Garden, Oreos dipped in milk, honeynut cheerios, Quiznos new chicken sandwich(forgot name but had it today and it is heavenly) white queso and chips, baby-back ribs, cheese sticks from Sonic, McDonald's fries, choc. chip cookiedough icecream, cheetos, Caribian Way from Smoothie King.

10 THINGS ABOUT ME:

I was adopted by my Aunt and Uncle, one of my favorite childhood memories is singing around the camp fire at the "farm" with youth group, I am a Christian, I am not a morning person, I hate to dust, I miss Texas, I am on a diet w/friends from work and have lost 10 pounds, I snore, I love the fall season, I am a Pisces.

9 FRIENDS WHO KNOW ME BEST:

Becky, Kate, April, Mary, Stephanie, Betty, Regina, Sara and my husband.

8 THINGS I HATE:

Stupid drivers, hearing smacking and popping gum, long lines, no hot water because girls took too long in shower, credit card debt, bad words and sex all over tv, the cute guy was killed off of Alias, having picture taken, fake people.

7 THINGS I DO DAILY:

Hit snooze at least twice, brush teeth, sign papers at last minute for school, kiss and hug my family, feed dogs, check email, play with Santos.

6 MORE FOODS:

Taco Soup, anything Santos grills, cheese, fresh broc. dipped in ranch, pizza and my cheery cobler.

5 BOOKS I'D READ AGAIN:

Any of John Grishams books.

4 FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING:

My P.J.'s, my black boots, Gap capri's, my levi jeans.

3 THINGS I WANT:

To travel, to help abused and neglected children, to find my talent.

2 THINGS I'M BAD AT:

Following through, parallel parking.

1 WORD:

Someday

Still Here......

Between work, girls, dinner, dishes, laundry, dogs, LOST, CSI, ER, remodeling house, putting in wood flooring, going to Lowe's four times a week, picking up dry cleaning, car pooling swim team, swim meets, birthday parties, school projects due, sinus infection, picture day, oh and DH, life just slips by. Oh, and on top of all of this, my parents will be here the 8th.

But I am still here, and I am proud to say that I am actively applying "The Blessing" toward my family. My Brittani and I are doing much better.

:)

Break Time

Life is going. Work is good. We have storms heading our way today. I love thunder storms. We hung our French doors and I have painted two coats of paint. Will put up boarder this weekend, well maybe this weekend. The girls have a meet Saturday. Life is so crammed full of "stuff" to do. I went to the Dr. yesterday. I have carpal tunnel (sp?), I have been short of breath, so I am on med for asthma. ASTHMA, I have never been diagnosed with that. And last but not least, "anxiety" it is funny how this word is used when we do not want to use the word "depression". So, I am on meds for "anxiety". I have gained 28 pounds in the last 8 months. It is not thyroid, and I do not eat icecream all day, I do not know what is going on. So, I am trying to get to the gym everyday now. Dagum if things don't just keep piling up in my daily life to do's. I miss my friends and family back home. I miss my sister. I miss my dh family. My dear friend is about to have her baby and I am here, 12 hrs away. My 12 yr old and I are butting heads. I am ready for fall, the yellow and red leaves. The cool breeze, walks with dh and dogs. The windows rolled down driving around the curved highways with tall pines. Life is going...anxiety or not :)

My brain is full

I do not have room to put one more thought into my head. It is overflowing with way too much information. I have been avoiding my blog because I am just plain tired. I started a new job, something that I have not done. I have worked in similar areas of this line of work, just not this. Numbers, numbers and more numbers. Balancing, reports, log summary's, calculations, seven hospital accounts, posting, billing, numbers, names, credits, debits, cost outliers, non covered, covered, inpatient, outpatient, numbers and more numbers.

Santos and I are up to our eyeballs with projects we are working on here at home. We are remodeling our down stairs. Pulled carpet, knocked down a wall, putting in French doors, laying hard wood in four rooms, painting, knocking down master bath wall for large shower. We have a forest that is our land behind our home, so we have been chain sawing trees, firewood for two winters and barely touched the area, cleaning, raking, chopping. It is beautiful. Tall pine trees everywhere. We just want to beable to enjoy it and eventually camp back there this fall. Need to put inground fencing to keep dogs on our land, so they are free to roam and enjoy the woods. We love doing this work. We love working together, side by side. Seeing the finished product. I have pictures, but he has the camera on a business trip right now.

The girls are doing GREAT!!! They are making all A's at school. Practicing 2 1/2 hrs everyday on swim team. They have two meets every month. So two weekends are gone each month to that. Brianna wanted us to take in a family who has lost everything from Katrina. We talked about it at dinner. I want to. Santos wants to, but is afraid to. Brittani is afraid to also. She asked "what would they do all day while we are not here, how long would they stay?" I am torn, I want to help, not just by sending money, but physically.

I have been avoiding my blog study. I am studying "The Blessing" and am at a part of this study, I am not ready for. Blessing my parents. I have been reading a book on dealing with the past experiences of childhood that may not have always been pretty. I am reading that I need to confront my parents about the hurt. YEAH RIGHT. Not me. I am not one for confrontation. So, screw it. I am just going to focus on blessing MY family right now. Oh, that feels good. It has been a heavy weight thinking of the past and figuring out how to deal with it. I will just keep ignoring it for now, and try to do and be the best I can be for my family one day at a time. I can go back to my study of "The Blessing" and apply what I learn to my immediate family. Part Two is --Five Steps To The Blessing. My prayer today is for all Katrina survivors...to find peace.

Katrina

My heart aches for all of the people who's lives have been destroyed. I wish I could blink and this all never happened. Last night as I drank my fresh glass of ice water, I pictured the people just sitting on the bridge literally dying of thirst. I went to get gas last night around 5:30 and it was packed, 4 cars in line per gas line. People filling up gas jugs. Went in Walmart and people were buying gas jugs to fill with gas. I am a little scared. I think of the future, and what it holds for us. But am I supposed to? I should not worry about tomorrow....right?

Quote

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen Have a great day!

Quote

"Happiness is different from pleasure. Happiness has something to do with struggling and enduring and accomplishing." I am happy. I am very busy these days. My job is going great. Just a little overwhelming. It is NUMBERS all day long. We are pulling carpet and laying wood floors at home, cutting down trees in the forest in our back yard. Putting up with the after affects of the hurricane.....wet, wet, wet. I am still working on my relations with my parents. I will accomplish this. Life is good. I am HAPPY.

Permission to be Angry

As an adult of toxic parents I have a difficult time with anger because I grew up in a family where emotional expression was not allowed. Anger was something only my parents had the privilege of displaying. So as an adult, I developed a high tolerance for mistreatment. I would bury my anger. I would hide it, push it away. I must be the one who was in the wrong...right? In the book I am reading "Toxic Parents" I am learning that I have "permission" to get angry. I have to give myself this permission. It is a part of what makes me human. No, I will not be ugly, no I will not be rejected. Yes, good, loving people do get angry.

So, how did anger come up when I am in the middle of my study of "The Blessing" you may ask. Because I was at the part where I am learning to bless my parents. I have anger when I think of my parents. I do not trust them. I have this problem of just wanting to push it all under a rug and going on with my life already. That is what I have done for the past 20 years, and here I am still suffering....it is time alright....for me to DEAL with this, and go on w/my life. I do not want to appear that I feel sorry for myself. I just have to do this. I have to. I want to be free from this hate, distrust and sadness. But I have to face it, get angry, grieve and then take responsibility for my life!

I am responsible for becoming a separate individual from my parents.
I am responsible for looking honestly at my relationship with them.
I am responsible for facing the truth about my childhood.
I am responsible for having the courage to acknowledge the connections between events of my childhood and my adult life.
I am responsible for gaining the courage to express my real feelings to them.
I am responsible for confronting my own behavior when it is cruel, hurtful, critical or manipulative.
I am responsible for finding the appropriate resources to help me heal my inner child.
I am responsible for reclaiming my adult power and confidence.

These are my goals, and I have to recognize that these items on my list will not happen overnight. As I work toward my goals, I will have setbacks, I will fall back on old behaviors and ways of thinking. My prayer is that I will not be discouraged and decide to pack it all in. This is a process, not perfection.

Quote

"Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out." -James Bryant Conant

Let's go tigers, lets go

Well, Brianna informed her coach today that she would be taking a little break from swim team. She told her coach that swimming is still her main sport, she just wanted to give cheering a chance. We had a swim board meeting tonight and her coach said "you and I need to talk." YIKES, but he is cool with it as long as she does mean what she says about coming back. He said as he gets into his 40's he would be going through a mid life crisis and having Brianna going to the Olympics would help him survive it. We shall see................
:>

Digging

I am not going to stop what I have started. I have done that way too often. I am reading the book, Toxic Parents right now. After reading some last night and this morning, I am hopeful that I may get to a point in my life that I am able to bless my parents. However; this is not going to happen overnight. I have a lot of emotions buried very deep, so I have to get digging, and sorting and dealing.

Toxic Parents

I am at the area of this study that I do not want to face. At all.

Who do we bless? Our Parents!!! I have a book on "my shelf" of books called "Toxic Parents"-Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. I have read bits and pieces. I am not ready to bless my parents. I am not saying I do not want to get there, God has me here doing this for many reasons and this is one of them. Uuuughhh, this is where I usually put some bricks up and call it a night. Bless my parents. Bless my parents.

Well, lets see, do I start with my biological parents, or just go with my adoptive parents.......or both? My nose is literally crinkled right now in disgust. Lord please forgive me, I .........I do not know where to begin. I have written my birth mother off. After meeting her, and her feeding me a whole lot of lies, I have no use for her. My birth father, we are good. I was five when I was adopted. I will admit right now, I am thankful I was adopted, due to the circumstances. When I was adopted by my Aunt and Uncle, i was told that my daddy would be referred to as "Uncle Jack". Kinda confusing for a five year old.

About four years ago I had a little chit chat with my parents and told them that I was an adult now, and that I wanted to have my daddy in my life as my "daddy", they said they understood. I saw my dad not long after this conversation. After 25 years, he was able to hear his little girl call him "daddy" again. Oh the joy in his eyes, the smile on his face, I will never forget. This was a blessing for him.

It is going to take me some time to come to terms with my parents. I pray, and I ask for your prayers, that I can forgive my birth mom....i am scared, i need to take a break.

13 Years

Who do we bless? Our Spouse. We bless to build and restore relationships. If husband and wife become good at giving each other the blessing, then passing the blessing on to our children is that much easier.

When Santos I and were first married 13 years ago and differences arose between us, blessing him was definitely not my first thought. I tried other methods first such as arguing, ignoring, avoiding, debating, and of course the most popular silent treatment.

#1 Words - Yes, we have both used our share of "words". Not the good ones in most "bad" situations. We can use words like weapons to cripple or paralyze our partner, or we can use them to show acceptance (yes, we have a problem, lets work through this), unselfishness (yes, I was wrong), forgiveness (I am sorry, can we be friends again) and to say "I love you". This is not always easy, however; with prayer it is always possible.

#2 Touch - Hhmmmm. Well, no problems there. I used to. Like I have said before, I am not a "touchy, feely" person. As a lot of my close friends and family know, my marriage has not always been an easy road to travel. With a lot of prayer, my husband being baptized and my learning to be unselfish, I am the happiest I have ever been in my marriage. Oh, we still have our differences, but oh, that sweet, special touch, where he softly reaches out to touch my hand and says "lets not fight." We have a large recliner that seats two that we sit in together, always. I love it. As we are getting bigger in our years, we are sitting pretty close.

#3 Expressing High Value. My husband is good at expressing his high value of me. (again, it has taken some years to get here) I enjoy it when he says "house looks great honey", "mmmmm, something smells good, whatcha cooking", my favorite "are you losing weight?", another favorite "you are so good to us." I love putting notes in his suitcase when he travels, or when he has worked all day out in the yard, I make sure to tell him how nice it looks, great job.

#4 Picturing a Special Future. Santos has taken on several new accounts. The clients he is working with are not too happy with the company Santos works for due to the manager before him having these accounts did not take care of them properly. He has flown into a hornets nest. I ask him daily how he is doing. I express to him that he is one person, that he was given these accounts because management knew he had the gift and character traits that God can bless and use in his future. We have to stand beside our spouse and bless them with the positive attributes they have.

#5 An Active Commitment. This is only possible by obeying God, and prayer. There were a lot of times I wanted to throw the towel in. So, I decided to pray. I had to decide if I wanted my marriage to work. I had to believe that the part of our relationship that had been eaten away by pain, indifference, and selfishness could be restored. I committed to prayer daily for my husband, and for me.

Bot has been flushed down the toilet!!!!!!!

Okay, I never in a million years thought there was a definition for bot. But there IS!!!!!!!!!! Sorry guys, but I am not fly POOPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I never knew that has been what you guys have been calling me. YUCK!!! I looked it up just a little bit ago here it is

bot-the parasitic larva of a botfly found on animals.

Take it back, take it back right now. 20 years or not, I cannot be remembered as fly poop!!

New name needed.............

Giving the Blessing to Others

I have several more chapters to go through and I will not have as much time because I will soon be working, so as the girls are at school and husband at work, and doggies at my feet, and HGTV turned off, I will begin my next chapter.

Who do we bless? Our children. I have some of the elements of giving the blessing.

#1 Words: I will leave notes in my girls lunch box, backpacks, on their bathroom mirror, inside my daughters dictionary for school. I have a diary that I write in to my girls. Speaking of writing. The girls were fighting Saturday. It is getting worse as they get older. They both came running up to me yelling about what the other one did. I had had it. I said "what has happened to you two, you used to get along so well, I am so sad to see this happening." Brittani started to cry. She said "I don't know, we used to be so close." So I asked the two of them to write a letter to each other telling each other what they like about the other. They did. They made up. The letters brought tears to my eyes. No, I'm not sharing!!!

#2 Meaningful touch: yes I give them hugs and kisses at night and in the morning when they are off. But this is routine. Should there be more? Yes, I need to work on this one.

#3 Expressing High Value. I have this one taken care of, I love giving praise. The girls are very active on a swim team and are doing great. We attend all meets together, and they know how proud we are of them win or lose. They both make straight A's and are rewarded. I thank them both when their chores are done. I have no problem with praising.

#4 Picturing a special future: I am not sure I always do a good job here. Yes, I tell Brittani and Brianna that with their swimming this is an attribute that God can bless and use in the future. But, I am afraid I might have failed, maybe big. 13 months ago, Brittani came to me and said she wanted to be baptized. She was 10, almost 11. She had been going to a church summer camp everyday while we were at work. I said "I don't think you are ready!!!!!" Who am I to say if she was ready? I was baptized at a young age, for the wrong reasons. I was not ready. But I should not have dismissed her desire. God, is this why you have me here at this place in this study. I need to sit down and talk to my daughter TONIGHT. I need to spend time with her and Gods word. I need to picture a special future for my 12 year old.

#5 An active commitment: This element is a "kicker." It requires sticking with the program even when your child misbehaves or the person you're blessing disappoints you. Brianna is a very good swimmer. She is very fast and can go far with this talent. Yesterday, she said she wanted to stop swimming and go into cheerleading. (my mind is saying, What?, no, no, no, you don't understand, you can go to college...all paid for.) I said "honey, I love you, if this is really what you want....then you tell your coach." Practice is at 4:30, I'll let you know what happens.

Communication

Last Tuesday I was on the internet looking for an online bible study group. Did not find what I was looking for. So, I decided to just get to it myself. I have a bookshelf full of books on bible studies, marriage, children, happy homes, living for Christ.....as I walked to my shelf I asked God to guide me to the book that I needed in my life right now to help me be a better me. I closed my eyes and touched "The Blessing". I emailed my sister and asked her if she would hold me accountable during my study. She was more than happy to. Also, in the meantime, I decided to start a blog. So, I began my study, and I started "writing" notes. Then I thought, why don't I type my notes, then God stepped in and said, why don't you share this on your blog. Me....yeah right. I am not one to "share" who I am, and who I am not.

Someone wrote "you may have to show your weakness in order to get stronger". My weakness is "sharing" that I have a weakness, and I am getting stronger by the blog.

Quote

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Theodor Seuss Geisel

The Wall

I have built a wall around my feelings for a very long time. I know it needs to be torn down. But what is on the other side scares me. Or is it taking each brick down that scares me? Each brick means facing something I am afraid to face. It means confrontation possibly with a loved one. I HATE confrontation.

However; I need to finish what I have started. I am at a loss right now. I had my birth parents who did not want me = no blessing. I was adopted by my Aunt and Uncle = no blessings their....Emotionally. As I sit here I tell myself to just suck it up. At least you had a roof over your head, and food to eat, and clothing to wear. Parents who took me to church and well, maybe did the best they could.....right?

What happens when someone misses the blessing? It depends on individual circumstances. I have become detached. "An old proverb says, "once burned, twice shy." I cut myself from all feelings. Well, how is this going to work as a wife, mother or friend? It doesn't. I need my heavenly Father to help me get through this. I am starting to see why I am the way I am. Resolution comes when we turn to our heavenly Father for His blessing and then learn to bless others. I pray that I will learn to accept my Fathers blessings.

The healing process

Santos returned today from a four day trip. He is exhausted and sleeping now. The girls are watching a movie, so I thought I would take the quiet opportunity to study.

Even as I am making an active commitment to carry out the blessing in other people's lives, I may have to learn to live without the blessings from curtain people. Learning to live without the blessing frees me to be all God would have me to be, loving others without needing them to fill a gap left by those I grew up with. The only way I am going to enjoy the blessing is through a relationship with Jesus Christ. God can provide a blessing I may have missed.

I do not want to be chained to my past, and I do not want to repeat the past. Often, parents who withhold the blessing lack the knowledge or skill to pass on the blessing. They do not lack love, they just do not know how to show it. I think that was my dad.

There are different types of homes that withhold the blessing.

First home is, one child is favored over the others. In a home that shows favoritism, none of the children come out winners. Obviously, those experiencing drought miss the blessing and feel anger and resentment as they watch it splash over the favorite. They long for a drop of attention.

Second home is, the Overcontroller. She says jump you ask how high, or she will make you feel so guilty.

Third home is, the blessing just out of reach. Never measuring up. Most children who grow up in this type of home will be lead into a never ending chase for their parents' blessing. In reaching for their acceptance, they often become workaholics.

My home as a child was, a blessing exchanged for a burden. In this home, a terrible transaction takes place. A child is coaxed by guilt or fear into giving up all rights to his or her goals and desires. Instead of living his or her own life, the child does what the parent demands. In return, the child gets a blessing that lasts until the next time the parent manipulates him or her to fulfill the parent's desires.

A blessing is something that is given, not something that needs to be earned. Like God's love, it is an act of unmerited favor and unconditional acceptance bestowed on a person of high value.

Home five, treading through emotional mine fields. Never knowing the temperament of a parent from one day to the next. One hour to the next.

Home six, unyielding family traditions. This is where parents reject or emotionally abandon their children if they fail to carry out the family tradition. Children who miss the blessing because they broke an iron-clad family tradition often feel emotionally bankrupt.

Home seven, receiving only part of the blessing. When I was four my mom left me. Then my dad.

I need to take some time with this area of my study. I pray that God will allow me to heal, and able me to forgive. Goodnight.

:(

3 simple words.....

I am not addicted to this blogging, I do have sort of a life...dishes, laundry, I just cannot get this thought, this story off of my mind. It goes with what I studied this morning and I have too much going....my dog is down stairs eating off of my lunch plate, I heard the fork hit the floor...be right back...so much for my chicken and rice. Anyway, I have to share this story. I have a good friend that I have known for 11 years. She and I can go 2 months, 6 months without talking and when we do we pick up right where we left off.

Well, it had been about 8 months since we had talked, and one day she called. She said "were back". "Back, back from where"? "Oh, we moved to Boston for six months, and I did not have the heart to call you and say goodbye". "I thought I would call you once we were there, but....." So we continued talking and I asked her what happened, why did they move. I knew her husband was from Boston and had always wanted to be near his father. My friend has always lived in TX. and only 15 minutes from her parents, so moving was not on the top of her list. She finally decided that she needed to do this for her husband. To give this a shot. It did not go well. They moved there and lived with his father while looking for a home. The great expectations her husband was expecting did not go the way he thought with his father. It was devastating for him.

They moved back, having to start all over. When they moved they had pulled their two children out of awesome schools, sold their beautiful home, he gave up his job as a chef at a fine hotel where she was in management. She started to cry, explaining how difficult it is to see her husband so depressed, both looking for jobs, a home. She said "Bobbie, the best thing that happened out of all of this is.......for the first time in all of my life, my mom told me the day that we were leaving for Boston, I LOVE YOU! " For the first time? She is 36 years old. My friend said this experience had all been worth it.

The power of three simple words.

The Blessing

Blessings began with God. Gen. 1:27-28. In the Webster's Dictionary, bless means-To make holy, ask divine favor for, to make happy. I want to be happy, I want my family to be happy. I need to give them the honor and praise they need to have success, prosperity, and longevity. This is not always easy on a daily basis. I tend to see the negative first. In my defense I say I do this so as to lead them to do the right things, the right way. (Is this what I heard as a child?)But I often fail to praise them for when they have done the right things the right way. I think I see a pattern here, and this scares me.

I have a bad habit of listening with one ear. Meaning, when Brianna is talking to me, I tend to give her half of my attention. Then I end up asking her to repeat what she just told me. I need to really listen when others talk.

I have been planning to make the girls a batch of homemade cookies everyday since they started school on Monday. It is Friday. We can all give our blessing to our loved ones, friends, ourselves. It only takes knowing how to do it, the desire, and a commitment to express love and caring.

I recall receiving the blessing from my husband after giving birth to each of our girls. He expressed how proud he was of me, and how much he admired me for my strength. (24 hours of labor).

Here are five things I can do to give my blessing. 1. touch 2. words 3. express high value 4. picturing a special future 5. making an active commitment to seeing the blessing come to pass. I pray God will plant these five elements into my head and as I wake each morning I will act on each one of these in some way, for someone. Well I'm off.....to make my girls that batch of cookies.

The Journey

This is my journey and thoughts as I begin my study of "The Blessing" by Gary Smalley & John Trent, PH.D.

We all long to be accepted by others. I want to be accepted by others. I have a fear of what people think, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not measuring up, fear of fear itself. The lack of the blessing often has devastating effects in every area of our lives and and at all stages of our lives. Everyone needs to receive the blessing. I didn't. Meaning, i did not receive affirmation from my parents growing up. There was not alot warmth or affection.

Those who miss the blessing may struggle vainly to sustain or attain close relationships-with a spouse, children, friends, or even with their heavenly Father. That is the reason I am here now, so that as a mother, I can give the blessing to my children and as a wife, to have a positive, wholesome realationship with my husband and to find the blessing for myself and with my heavenly father.

I pray I will commit to this study. I always start something and never finish. Example: I have wanted to work on each room in our home to get it decorated and painted the way we want it, after finishing the dining room I moved on to the entertainment room and removed the old boarder around the room. I received my new boarder to go up.....but I am afraid of putting it up. I cannot get started on this room. I do not know what I am afriad of. Stacy, i know you will be here in October, so hopefully....the boarder you found for me will be up by then.

hello, hello, is anybody out there........

I have wanted to give blogging a try, and here I am, LOST. I do not know where this is going to show up. This is a test, this is only a test.....My family and I moved to TN not long ago, and i often feel lonely not knowing very many people yet, so I am always on the computer. I am always anxious to read other blogs, to see that there is life outside of our little world. So, here I am. I went to church this evening with the girls. Santos is out of town. I walked into class as it was starting..."Oh good" I thought, now I do not have to feel stupid waiting for someone to introduce themself. The lady teaching class started out by saing "I know this is the first time I have worn jeans to church, but...." and I froze....I am wearing jeans....I looked around and I and about three other ladies were wearing jeans out of about 50 ladies. Ok, am I going to hell? I do not get it? I have only three things that fit my bottom half...jeans and two pairs of capries (that were in the washer). As soon as class was over (I sat on the back row) I was outa there. I have made a few friends at church and am going on a Ladies Retreat. I hope I can at least wear p.j.'s to bed, and not my panty hose and skirt...........