Santos returned today from a four day trip. He is exhausted and sleeping now. The girls are watching a movie, so I thought I would take the quiet opportunity to study.
Even as I am making an active commitment to carry out the blessing in other people's lives, I may have to learn to live without the blessings from curtain people. Learning to live without the blessing frees me to be all God would have me to be, loving others without needing them to fill a gap left by those I grew up with. The only way I am going to enjoy the blessing is through a relationship with Jesus Christ. God can provide a blessing I may have missed.
I do not want to be chained to my past, and I do not want to repeat the past. Often, parents who withhold the blessing lack the knowledge or skill to pass on the blessing. They do not lack love, they just do not know how to show it. I think that was my dad.
There are different types of homes that withhold the blessing.
First home is, one child is favored over the others. In a home that shows favoritism, none of the children come out winners. Obviously, those experiencing drought miss the blessing and feel anger and resentment as they watch it splash over the favorite. They long for a drop of attention.
Second home is, the Overcontroller. She says jump you ask how high, or she will make you feel so guilty.
Third home is, the blessing just out of reach. Never measuring up. Most children who grow up in this type of home will be lead into a never ending chase for their parents' blessing. In reaching for their acceptance, they often become workaholics.
My home as a child was, a blessing exchanged for a burden. In this home, a terrible transaction takes place. A child is coaxed by guilt or fear into giving up all rights to his or her goals and desires. Instead of living his or her own life, the child does what the parent demands. In return, the child gets a blessing that lasts until the next time the parent manipulates him or her to fulfill the parent's desires.
A blessing is something that is given, not something that needs to be earned. Like God's love, it is an act of unmerited favor and unconditional acceptance bestowed on a person of high value.
Home five, treading through emotional mine fields. Never knowing the temperament of a parent from one day to the next. One hour to the next.
Home six, unyielding family traditions. This is where parents reject or emotionally abandon their children if they fail to carry out the family tradition. Children who miss the blessing because they broke an iron-clad family tradition often feel emotionally bankrupt.
Home seven, receiving only part of the blessing. When I was four my mom left me. Then my dad.
I need to take some time with this area of my study. I pray that God will allow me to heal, and able me to forgive. Goodnight.
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1 comment:
You know, I was reading along, and when I got to #1, I said, "Yep. That was our house. David was the favorite. And so was I, after David." I still carry guilt from that, even though the guilt shouldn't be mine to bear.
Then I read #2, and I thought, "Yep. That was our house. If ever there was an overcontroller, it was our Mom."
Then I read #3, and I thought, "Yep. That was our house. We were never good enough. ALMOST good enough, but there was always one thing Mom or Dad could get mad about. The house was never clean enough. All the writing awards I won still didn't make them think I deserved to go to college. THe blessing was ALWAYS just out of reach."
Number 4. Yep, That was our house, too. It's how I learned to be a liar. I learned to be "good", when I was really bad. Because there was no reward, no praise for being good. There was only punishment for being bad. (Sometimes when we were innocent, even. Punishment for having thoughts that didn't toe the line. Life was about punishment, and learning how to avoid it.
As an adult, I've swung almost too far the other way. You know how I hate liars. I've walked away from several meaningful friendships because I cannot stand being lied to. And I can't lie. I'm honest almost to a fault. I expect the same of my kids, and they know it.
Take all the time you need, Bot. I'm right here with you, experiencing our past and growing from it along side of you.
All my love,
Stacy
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