I have been reading off and on when I can, usually at the end of the day when all the dishes are done, laundry put away, doggies fed and walked, girls in bed and hubbie snoring next to me. I am enjoying the Sacred Romance, I like the way John writes more than the way Brent writes.
Brittani has a huge three day swim meet this weekend in AL. This means a lot of "camping" while we wait for each of her events, so I look forward to finishing the book this weekend.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
DIVORCE
"We divorce ourselves from our heart and begin to live a double life."
from: The Sacred Romance written by: John Eldride
A friend of mine recommended that I read this book. Last night I bought it. I look forward to sharing my journey as I go in search of my heart.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Fighting Gloves Are On
I could not hide it this time. My husband could see. He asked over and over Saturday what was wrong, and over and over I said, "nothing, I'm fine". Finally, I caved. Tears flowing, I unfolded painful and uncomfortable truths of my childhood. I told him I just want to run away, away from you, from the girls and the past. He said to me, with love and sincerity, "you do what you need to do, but my gloves are on, and I am fighting for you."
After another hour of talking, I know what it is I have to do. I have to look at myself, the whole me and the many complex factors that have contributed to who I am today. I have to go through an unfolding process to uncover experiences from my past that have been brought to the surface and to the surface of those I love. This will allow present circumstances to be understood and dealt with in a different way. My husband said, "this is no longer your burden to carry, it is OUR burden.
I felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I could see him. It is hard to explain. I woke the next morning, and I WANTED to get up. I could SEE the dresser, the bed, our room, our house, our children. The fog is not there anymore. I can see. I can see. I love my husband more than the day we were married. He does not see me as I was afraid he would after all was told. He loves me and his gloves are on.
Dear God........thank you!
After another hour of talking, I know what it is I have to do. I have to look at myself, the whole me and the many complex factors that have contributed to who I am today. I have to go through an unfolding process to uncover experiences from my past that have been brought to the surface and to the surface of those I love. This will allow present circumstances to be understood and dealt with in a different way. My husband said, "this is no longer your burden to carry, it is OUR burden.
I felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I could see him. It is hard to explain. I woke the next morning, and I WANTED to get up. I could SEE the dresser, the bed, our room, our house, our children. The fog is not there anymore. I can see. I can see. I love my husband more than the day we were married. He does not see me as I was afraid he would after all was told. He loves me and his gloves are on.
Dear God........thank you!
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Ouch
I was not myself as I wrote my last post. Things have come to surface and I am not ready to deal with them. I do trust God, I do believe in Him and I know prayer is answered. I am angry, I am scared. Completely, freaking scared of what lies ahead. I am sorry for the things I said earlier. I do trust some, and you know who you are.
Open Eyes
I just want to close my eyes and pretend my life is perfect. That nothing bad has ever happened to me. All is good and will be okay. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I can do it. I know I can. Just smile. Be happy. Pray. Remember God loves me. He knows.
If he knows, then WHY?
Why do I feel like I am a plastic barbie doll just walking, going through the motions w/pretend emotions. I feel like I am not real. I am not really a mother, or a wife, I am pretend. This is all pretend. I used to pretend that someone loved me, now if I am told I am loved, I do not believe it, I do not feel it. If I tell you I love you, and sometimes I know deep down I do, but I do not feel it each time I say it. So why do I say it? Pretend. I am tired of pretending, I want to feel the emotions, but I am scared to face the emotions. What if it hurts too bad, what if it feels too good? I want to love my loved ones w/all of my heart, but I do not know how, what good does it do? Where will it get me? Where will it get them? What good is love? All I can do is work, make sure I feed my girls, clothe them, but somewhere deeper I know they need more, I just do not know how to give it to them. But I am supposed to, I brought them into this world, it is my responsibility to make sure they get the what? What all is it that they need? Love, support?
Do they have a class for 30 somethings on how to be a good mom? I did not have a mom. I did not have a dad, I do not know what it is supposed to be like. My girls eyes are open to me, they watch my every move, they look to me for answers, for how I am doing, at what I am doing, are they seeing right through me, that I am lost, out of my mind, a liar. I do not trust anyone. Noone. I do not trust God, and this scares me the most. But those who taught me to trust him are the ones who have betrayed me the worst. I do not pray, because I have found it to not do me much good. I do not go to church because it is a freak show. Who is wearing what, and who is the better Christian here....I just want to be in a quiet place, alone w/God, in person, so that I can get the undivided attention and the slap in the face to open my eyes and my heart and my body to the real world. But the monster is out there and if I keep pretending, he will not get me.
If he knows, then WHY?
Why do I feel like I am a plastic barbie doll just walking, going through the motions w/pretend emotions. I feel like I am not real. I am not really a mother, or a wife, I am pretend. This is all pretend. I used to pretend that someone loved me, now if I am told I am loved, I do not believe it, I do not feel it. If I tell you I love you, and sometimes I know deep down I do, but I do not feel it each time I say it. So why do I say it? Pretend. I am tired of pretending, I want to feel the emotions, but I am scared to face the emotions. What if it hurts too bad, what if it feels too good? I want to love my loved ones w/all of my heart, but I do not know how, what good does it do? Where will it get me? Where will it get them? What good is love? All I can do is work, make sure I feed my girls, clothe them, but somewhere deeper I know they need more, I just do not know how to give it to them. But I am supposed to, I brought them into this world, it is my responsibility to make sure they get the what? What all is it that they need? Love, support?
Do they have a class for 30 somethings on how to be a good mom? I did not have a mom. I did not have a dad, I do not know what it is supposed to be like. My girls eyes are open to me, they watch my every move, they look to me for answers, for how I am doing, at what I am doing, are they seeing right through me, that I am lost, out of my mind, a liar. I do not trust anyone. Noone. I do not trust God, and this scares me the most. But those who taught me to trust him are the ones who have betrayed me the worst. I do not pray, because I have found it to not do me much good. I do not go to church because it is a freak show. Who is wearing what, and who is the better Christian here....I just want to be in a quiet place, alone w/God, in person, so that I can get the undivided attention and the slap in the face to open my eyes and my heart and my body to the real world. But the monster is out there and if I keep pretending, he will not get me.
Monday, January 09, 2006
SOLD
We have sold our home in Texas. We are making a good chunk of money, we do not have to worry about bills there anymore, or having someone take care of the lawn, so why am I not REAL excited? Cause it is gone. It is not our home anymore. Our first home. It is reality that we have moved to TN for a long while, no going back.
oh suck it up..........
WHOOO HOOOOO, were in the $, were in the $, well that is until we pay our taxes, and credit card balances. It comes and it goes, just like each passing year.
Speaking of years, it is brand new. I look forward to making a few things happen this year. I want to take care of what needs to be taken care of:
1: surgery on my throat to take care of sleep apnea, I stop breathing average 81 times a night.
2: have girls eyes examed (just did this one this past weekend) poor girls take after me....blind
3: find a free kitten for the girls
4: get to work on time EVERY morning
5: keep house picked up on a daily basis and one load of laund. a day
6: find a church
7: have better understanding of my 12 yr. old
8: lose weight for vacation in Fl. in June
9: drink more water
10. pray daily
11. fall more in love w/my DH each day
I pray that each of you have a blessed and safe 2006.
oh suck it up..........
WHOOO HOOOOO, were in the $, were in the $, well that is until we pay our taxes, and credit card balances. It comes and it goes, just like each passing year.
Speaking of years, it is brand new. I look forward to making a few things happen this year. I want to take care of what needs to be taken care of:
1: surgery on my throat to take care of sleep apnea, I stop breathing average 81 times a night.
2: have girls eyes examed (just did this one this past weekend) poor girls take after me....blind
3: find a free kitten for the girls
4: get to work on time EVERY morning
5: keep house picked up on a daily basis and one load of laund. a day
6: find a church
7: have better understanding of my 12 yr. old
8: lose weight for vacation in Fl. in June
9: drink more water
10. pray daily
11. fall more in love w/my DH each day
I pray that each of you have a blessed and safe 2006.
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