Open Eyes

I just want to close my eyes and pretend my life is perfect. That nothing bad has ever happened to me. All is good and will be okay. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I can do it. I know I can. Just smile. Be happy. Pray. Remember God loves me. He knows.

If he knows, then WHY?

Why do I feel like I am a plastic barbie doll just walking, going through the motions w/pretend emotions. I feel like I am not real. I am not really a mother, or a wife, I am pretend. This is all pretend. I used to pretend that someone loved me, now if I am told I am loved, I do not believe it, I do not feel it. If I tell you I love you, and sometimes I know deep down I do, but I do not feel it each time I say it. So why do I say it? Pretend. I am tired of pretending, I want to feel the emotions, but I am scared to face the emotions. What if it hurts too bad, what if it feels too good? I want to love my loved ones w/all of my heart, but I do not know how, what good does it do? Where will it get me? Where will it get them? What good is love? All I can do is work, make sure I feed my girls, clothe them, but somewhere deeper I know they need more, I just do not know how to give it to them. But I am supposed to, I brought them into this world, it is my responsibility to make sure they get the what? What all is it that they need? Love, support?

Do they have a class for 30 somethings on how to be a good mom? I did not have a mom. I did not have a dad, I do not know what it is supposed to be like. My girls eyes are open to me, they watch my every move, they look to me for answers, for how I am doing, at what I am doing, are they seeing right through me, that I am lost, out of my mind, a liar. I do not trust anyone. Noone. I do not trust God, and this scares me the most. But those who taught me to trust him are the ones who have betrayed me the worst. I do not pray, because I have found it to not do me much good. I do not go to church because it is a freak show. Who is wearing what, and who is the better Christian here....I just want to be in a quiet place, alone w/God, in person, so that I can get the undivided attention and the slap in the face to open my eyes and my heart and my body to the real world. But the monster is out there and if I keep pretending, he will not get me.