As an adult of toxic parents I have a difficult time with anger because I grew up in a family where emotional expression was not allowed. Anger was something only my parents had the privilege of displaying. So as an adult, I developed a high tolerance for mistreatment. I would bury my anger. I would hide it, push it away. I must be the one who was in the wrong...right? In the book I am reading "Toxic Parents" I am learning that I have "permission" to get angry. I have to give myself this permission. It is a part of what makes me human. No, I will not be ugly, no I will not be rejected. Yes, good, loving people do get angry.
So, how did anger come up when I am in the middle of my study of "The Blessing" you may ask. Because I was at the part where I am learning to bless my parents. I have anger when I think of my parents. I do not trust them. I have this problem of just wanting to push it all under a rug and going on with my life already. That is what I have done for the past 20 years, and here I am still suffering....it is time alright....for me to DEAL with this, and go on w/my life. I do not want to appear that I feel sorry for myself. I just have to do this. I have to. I want to be free from this hate, distrust and sadness. But I have to face it, get angry, grieve and then take responsibility for my life!
I am responsible for becoming a separate individual from my parents.
I am responsible for looking honestly at my relationship with them.
I am responsible for facing the truth about my childhood.
I am responsible for having the courage to acknowledge the connections between events of my childhood and my adult life.
I am responsible for gaining the courage to express my real feelings to them.
I am responsible for confronting my own behavior when it is cruel, hurtful, critical or manipulative.
I am responsible for finding the appropriate resources to help me heal my inner child.
I am responsible for reclaiming my adult power and confidence.
These are my goals, and I have to recognize that these items on my list will not happen overnight. As I work toward my goals, I will have setbacks, I will fall back on old behaviors and ways of thinking. My prayer is that I will not be discouraged and decide to pack it all in. This is a process, not perfection.
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Permission granted!!
I can tell you, from experience, that the moment (I say 'moment', but it really was a process of a year or more) that I was able to say, "I don't NEED their approval. I AM WORTHY without it. This great goose-chase I call LIFE is no life at all."....that moment changed me. It freed me. It was so very difficult for me to get angry at first, so I know where you are right now. You're afraid. You think you have no real right to be angry. You think you'll be less of a person, or more of a hypocrite, if you allow those feelings to surface. Those are the things I felt. I was wrong. And so are you.
GET MAD. But don't write them off in your anger. Work through it. I read today a quote attributed to Winston Churchill: "When you're going through hell, just keep going through it." The day will come when you'll fling your arms up toward the sky, throw your head back, and with exhuberant exclamation, hear yourself say, "I'm free. I'M FREE!!"
I love you, Bobbie!
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