WINTER WONDER LAND.......

Sampson our Boxer
Brit and Bri pose w/Mr. Snowman....



Santos checking mail and later rolling snowball for the snowman body........

Front of our house........


Mr. Snowman that we built......



Yeah.............it snowed. We had heard all week that snow was on the way....heard that before....believe it when we see it.........see it we did. It is so beautiful. We had a blast having snowball fights, making snowangels and sledding.

***Your Five Factor Personality Profile***
Extroversion:
You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people.
Conscientiousness:
You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.
Agreeableness:
You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.
Neuroticism:
You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is low.You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable.You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea.While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.
The Five Factor Personality Testhttp://www.blogthings.com/thefivefactorpersonalitytest/

Changes........

Changes are happening in my life, for the better. I am taking care of the things that I need to get sorted in my life. I am doing alot of reading and soul searching right now, so I do not have much time for blogging. I just ask that you keep my family and I in your prayers.

Reading..............

I have been reading off and on when I can, usually at the end of the day when all the dishes are done, laundry put away, doggies fed and walked, girls in bed and hubbie snoring next to me. I am enjoying the Sacred Romance, I like the way John writes more than the way Brent writes.

Brittani has a huge three day swim meet this weekend in AL. This means a lot of "camping" while we wait for each of her events, so I look forward to finishing the book this weekend.

DIVORCE

"We divorce ourselves from our heart and begin to live a double life."

from: The Sacred Romance written by: John Eldride

A friend of mine recommended that I read this book. Last night I bought it. I look forward to sharing my journey as I go in search of my heart.

Fighting Gloves Are On

I could not hide it this time. My husband could see. He asked over and over Saturday what was wrong, and over and over I said, "nothing, I'm fine". Finally, I caved. Tears flowing, I unfolded painful and uncomfortable truths of my childhood. I told him I just want to run away, away from you, from the girls and the past. He said to me, with love and sincerity, "you do what you need to do, but my gloves are on, and I am fighting for you."

After another hour of talking, I know what it is I have to do. I have to look at myself, the whole me and the many complex factors that have contributed to who I am today. I have to go through an unfolding process to uncover experiences from my past that have been brought to the surface and to the surface of those I love. This will allow present circumstances to be understood and dealt with in a different way. My husband said, "this is no longer your burden to carry, it is OUR burden.

I felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I could see him. It is hard to explain. I woke the next morning, and I WANTED to get up. I could SEE the dresser, the bed, our room, our house, our children. The fog is not there anymore. I can see. I can see. I love my husband more than the day we were married. He does not see me as I was afraid he would after all was told. He loves me and his gloves are on.

Dear God........thank you!

and the truth shall set you free...............

Ouch

I was not myself as I wrote my last post. Things have come to surface and I am not ready to deal with them. I do trust God, I do believe in Him and I know prayer is answered. I am angry, I am scared. Completely, freaking scared of what lies ahead. I am sorry for the things I said earlier. I do trust some, and you know who you are.

Open Eyes

I just want to close my eyes and pretend my life is perfect. That nothing bad has ever happened to me. All is good and will be okay. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I can do it. I know I can. Just smile. Be happy. Pray. Remember God loves me. He knows.

If he knows, then WHY?

Why do I feel like I am a plastic barbie doll just walking, going through the motions w/pretend emotions. I feel like I am not real. I am not really a mother, or a wife, I am pretend. This is all pretend. I used to pretend that someone loved me, now if I am told I am loved, I do not believe it, I do not feel it. If I tell you I love you, and sometimes I know deep down I do, but I do not feel it each time I say it. So why do I say it? Pretend. I am tired of pretending, I want to feel the emotions, but I am scared to face the emotions. What if it hurts too bad, what if it feels too good? I want to love my loved ones w/all of my heart, but I do not know how, what good does it do? Where will it get me? Where will it get them? What good is love? All I can do is work, make sure I feed my girls, clothe them, but somewhere deeper I know they need more, I just do not know how to give it to them. But I am supposed to, I brought them into this world, it is my responsibility to make sure they get the what? What all is it that they need? Love, support?

Do they have a class for 30 somethings on how to be a good mom? I did not have a mom. I did not have a dad, I do not know what it is supposed to be like. My girls eyes are open to me, they watch my every move, they look to me for answers, for how I am doing, at what I am doing, are they seeing right through me, that I am lost, out of my mind, a liar. I do not trust anyone. Noone. I do not trust God, and this scares me the most. But those who taught me to trust him are the ones who have betrayed me the worst. I do not pray, because I have found it to not do me much good. I do not go to church because it is a freak show. Who is wearing what, and who is the better Christian here....I just want to be in a quiet place, alone w/God, in person, so that I can get the undivided attention and the slap in the face to open my eyes and my heart and my body to the real world. But the monster is out there and if I keep pretending, he will not get me.

SOLD

We have sold our home in Texas. We are making a good chunk of money, we do not have to worry about bills there anymore, or having someone take care of the lawn, so why am I not REAL excited? Cause it is gone. It is not our home anymore. Our first home. It is reality that we have moved to TN for a long while, no going back.

oh suck it up..........

WHOOO HOOOOO, were in the $, were in the $, well that is until we pay our taxes, and credit card balances. It comes and it goes, just like each passing year.

Speaking of years, it is brand new. I look forward to making a few things happen this year. I want to take care of what needs to be taken care of:

1: surgery on my throat to take care of sleep apnea, I stop breathing average 81 times a night.
2: have girls eyes examed (just did this one this past weekend) poor girls take after me....blind
3: find a free kitten for the girls
4: get to work on time EVERY morning
5: keep house picked up on a daily basis and one load of laund. a day
6: find a church
7: have better understanding of my 12 yr. old
8: lose weight for vacation in Fl. in June
9: drink more water
10. pray daily
11. fall more in love w/my DH each day

I pray that each of you have a blessed and safe 2006.

I do no know how to get the space deleted between here and down there.....

You Are Rudolph Sweet and shy, you tend to be happiest when you're making someone else happy. Why You're Naughty: You sometimes stick that nose where it doesn't belong Why You're Nice: Christmas would be a sad affair without you! Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

You Are Comet A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge! Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed This is Santos!!! Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

BOUNCInnnnnnnnnnnn

I am bouncing off of the walls here at work. Oh my golly miss molly, hold me down. I went to the Dr. this morning because I have been falling asleep at my desk, I will go to my van during lunch and take a nap. My friends here at work asked where I have been at lunch cuss they have missed my little behinde. NNNNNeeeeway....I had to share w/my doc that I am a big time SNORER...that I snore really loud that it wakes even me up. My poor DH. He is tooo sweet to wake me he just puts up w/it. Soo, I snore, I never feel like I have had a good nights rest, to make a long poor me short, he wants me to have the sleep apnea test done. The one where you have to stay overnight for two nights so they can "study" your sleep.

Buuuuuuuuuuut, until then, he has me taking Provigil to help me stay awake during the day, and man am I rockin. This is guuuuudd stuff. Life is going great. I feeeeel good nananana.

I am in a good mood also because we went out to lunch, and when we go out to lunch w/Kathy you cannot have a quiet lunch. You are LYBO from the moment you leave until the moment you get back. We have to stop laughing when we get back bcuz this place is stupid that way. neway, it is Kathy's b-day and I went out and bought her (she has been wanting a Chawawa I know it is spelled wrong, sooo, she wants one really bad) I got her a chawawa calendar and a chawawa mug, she cried she was so happy. I love making people happy....just love it. How fun it must be for Oprah, to just GIVE. FUN FUN.

Ummmm, what else, Oh, we are supposed to have ice and snow tonight. My daughter who is 12 going on 16 and I are still butting heads. She wants things her way or else and it is getting on my very last nerve. Finally her daddy had to bust her little behiney the other night. It had been along time coming. He hates having to punish them that way. Didn't work. This morning she was begging to stay home from school cuz she already knows everything they are teaching. She is bored. She said she wanted to stay home and clean the house spotless for me, it was tempting, but if it ices I will let her use that one tomorrow. So any advice on how to stop my 12 year old from running over me, please share. :>

FRIENDS ARE A PRESENT.............

YOU GIVE YOURSELF!

I look to befriend ones who I feel will have a good influence in my life. Who I can imitate and learn good qualities from. It is such a gift when you find these pearls in the sand. I have been digging, stopping to make a castle here and there, but I think I might have struck it rich. I have run into some pearls who are shimmering with light that I hope will able me to shine as well. I think you know who you are. Beth Moore was my link to you in some way or other. I just want you (A, J, S, G, and C) to know I look forward to getting to know you better.

:)

You Are The Stuffing

You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together.People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

Blog Personality

Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog.You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head.Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent.You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

Thanksgiving Holiday

This Thanksgiving was awesome. It was so good to see all of our family. My mother-in-law is the best cook when it comes to, well, anything! Her dressing is the only dressing I will eat. It is sooo yummy, she does not put a lot of sage in hers like my mom does thank goodness. We spent several days with Santos family and then saw some friends and finally Saturday I got to see my sister and her family. OHHH what a treat. You just do not have a dull time around my sis. She welcomed us with a scrumptious breakfast casserole and yummy fruit salad. After eating we headed to down town Fort Worth to see Santa Claus. When Stacy and I sat in Santa's lap I asked him what "he" wanted for Christmas, he said, "hmm, I don't know, I have never been asked that". It was fun. From there we went to the Water Gardens so Stacy could take some pictures of all of us. She is such a great photographer. We went through some neat shops downtown and I bought my niece some jewelry for her b-day that was six months ago. Anyway the rest of the night was eating out, hanging out, and farting and burping till midnight. Must have been the hot sauce. It was such a blessing to be in their home and to see them. We woke at 6:00a.m. and headed home Sunday. I told my DH that is was kinda weird, but it felt good to be going home. Home....TN. The drive home is beautiful, our town is beautiful, our home is beautiful and we plan to make our future here just as nice. I have not picked up the pictures from our trip, but I will share them next time. :)

Breaking Free

Someone is praying for me....and I want to say Thank you!

HHMMmmm

I always have a lot on my mind. I just am not too good at getting it out. I am at a happy place in my life. My family and I are doing so good. But are we? I mean, we do not go to church, I feel so guilty for this. We just have not found a church we really felt comfortable with. Or have we, and we are just to damn lazy to get up in the morning? I still am not used to living in TN. It is beautiful. And we have done a lot of remodeling in our home to make it feel more like our home. But still something is missing. Is it God? Is it no having our family's near us anymore? I feel so lost sometimes, but I try to suck it up for my DH sake. He has to do what is best for his career. And I need to support him. I need to have God back in my daily life. I need to get this fog lifted from around me.

I love my sister. She is to me, one of the most remarkable, talented, real, honest, loving & FUNNY person I know. I feel so, this is where I get a loss for words....ummm, I feel like I am nothing compared to her. I want to be like her. I want to know what my talent is, if any, I want to have great friendships like she has, I want to beable to communicate the way she can, I want to be as happy as she is. Is this wrong. We are not supposed to compare our lives to others. Right? I want to be in a bible study with other women studying Beth Moore. I miss what was right before me four years ago when we were at West Berry. It was all right there in front of me, and I just did not see it. You do not know what you have got until it is gone.

I need to get my priorities back in order. God first, family second and I forgot what is third. I ask that whoever reads this if there is anyone else besides my seester and the "old friend" of mine to please pray for me, that I do get my life in better order. That I stop being so lazy, and pick my Bible up instead of the remote.

p.s. "old friend" please do not leave a comment unless you can tell me who you are. You are freaking me out.

Another Quote

"Most people are so busy knocking themselves out trying to do everything they think they should do, they never get around to do what they want to do."
– Kathleen Winsor